The Hilarious Tale of the Life of Mark Calaway
by Takers Hidden Soul Mate
Summary: Have you ever wondered how the lives of the wrestlers are like outside of wrestling, lest The Undertaker's? Well shall we look into that? Yes we will. This is a comical look at WWE wrestlers lives on the road. Slight AU I guess. R&R tis a good story.
1. He Needs Coffee People!

"Mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Glen yelled into the ear of his friend. Dammit Mark was snoozing again...he was getting annoyed with it."Mark, Mark its almost time to get on the plane!!!!!" Still no response.

'_Damn whats a guy like me supposed to do when PartyTaker is around last night?_' Glen thought. "Ahem" he said. All he was met with was a loud snore and a mumbled "chocolate..." from the 6'8 wrestler who was currently curled up into a ball, filling up two chairs.

"Maybe you should poor coffee down his shirt, always works for me", stated Umaga(_forgot his real name_). Umaga was eating a soufle and drinking orange juice, tired. "You try waking him up, Im tired and I cant rest till we board!" Kane complained. Kane hated when Taker snoozed at the wrong times.'_Ah, I have got an idea!!!_' he thought suddenly. Kane whipped out a microphone dealy that was like Jimmy Hart's.

"MARK CALAWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!screech noiseGET THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!" Kane shouted. Umaga nearly choking on food in his mouth, covered his ears. Mark jolted up."Wuh, huh whats wrong?"OWWW MY EAR KANE!!!" Mark yelped and fell off his chairs. "What do you want!!!??" "Oh, let me see ummm the plane!!!!", Kane said.

"Well why didn't you say so Kane, you dont have to screech!?" Mark scrambled up, grabbed his duffel bag and ran. "Oh _now_ he gets up!!!" Umaga rolled his eyes and collected his own belongings and bolted for the bording area.

"Hey!!!! What am I??? Chocolate bunnies???" he yelled at them and ran too.

On the line, Kane, Umaga and Taker were standing impatiently. Taker was nodding off like an idiot on his feet. _(Splash) _Umaga poured all his coffee on Taker. "Drink up buddie!!!! Haha" Umaga laughed. "Huh what???Im awake!!!OWWW!!!", Taker yelped in pain and suprise. "I guess that always _does_ work doesn't it Glen?" Umaga pondered. "Shut up and lets get on" Kane yawned back at him. Every one enters.

_P.A system- Now calling all passengers for Flight 234 for Tuscon, Arizona, First Class passengers may begin boarding...Please refrain from cutting._

"Mark, you seriously need some coffee."

"No I do not I'm fine I can stay awake...Im Bill Clinton of course!!!!" Mark exclaimed rather stupidly. This causes Kane and Umaga to exchange a nervous glance between each other. "I can give whats left of mine?" Umaga offered.

"Oh Oh!!!!!! Look look!!! Its Vince!!!!" exclaimed Mark, so loud that every one looks at him like he is some psycho."Taker...thats not Vince and dont even think-" It was too late, Mark was already dashing towards..._an old lady and starts hugging and kissing her cheeks scaring her_!!!! "Oh Lord help us NOW!!!" Kane groaned and moved out of the line to retrieve the hallucinating giant."Um- Um sir do you realize that I do NOT know you?" the old lady asked.

"Oh Vince Im just giving a greeting..." he releases her and shakes his head abit." When did you shrink Mr. McMahon? Hmm did your 'genetic jackhammer' shrink too?" "Oh you filthy biker filth trash Satanist!!!"_(SLAP, SLAPP)_ the woman slaps him double the force and walks forward towards her plane. "OUCH, Okay you whore!!!What did I ever do to you!!??" he throws a powdered funnel cake at her"

The old lady, now appeared like a huge oversugar covered, wrinkled raisin turns and looks at Mark. Kane and Umaga see this and gulp. "GULP"Taker holds up a "Yikes" sign and dashes with dust away from the pursuing lady!!. Glen and Umaga follow quickly towards their gate!!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH HELLPPPP TAKER!!!!!" Mark yelled.

"MARK YOU _ARE_ THE UNDERTAKERRRRRRR!!!!!!" Kane and Umaga both yelled. "AHHHHHH"

"YOU HETHENS!!!!!! YOU IMBECILES!!!" The lady yells. "I WONT FORGET THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

_**So how do you like? Yes I know some of it is dry but it will get even more funny trust me. Please R&R thanks!!!!.**_

"


	2. TakeOff Madness and Nutness

_**A/N- Hey guys sorry for the wait had to think of stuff :P**_

"Mark what are you thinking man?" asked Glen all pooped out already. "I dunno, im dee dee dee dats why" Mark went all stupid. Eddie sighed, he felt like jumping off a cliff. '_How much more can Mark do in one day!? Jeez I miss Estrada.'_

"Hey guys Im fat like you Eddie!! Heee hee!! Mark runs from them thinking they will play tag _sigh_, "I swear he needs some espresso to go man"...

Finally Mark settles down and sits next to Glen, his ol' bro. Eddie goes and sits with Paul London. While more wrestlers and normals find their seats, Mark starts figeting. "Uhhh...I feel angry when i see normal people Glen...can we be in the back of 1st class?" Mark asked pleadingly. " Why? Aren't you supposed to be yourself? We dont have to be evil right now PartyTaker." Glen stated.

"But..."PUNCH, Mark punches Glen in the nose "OW Mark WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!!" "Ummmm I dont know...I-I warned YOU!!" Mark said quietly. Mark then fell quickly asleep. Glen wiped the pint of blood that came out of his nose _Jeez he needs to stop partying so much. _Glen propped his pillow behind his bald head and went into a, hopefully, peaceful dreamland.

The airplane rumbled, taxied and took off from the airport and rose higher in the air. Eddie ordered wine from the flight attendant. He sipped his spritzer. '_Mmm such fine wine if you ask me. And peace and quiet from the Taker too. Glen can finally rela_-

"I want MY NUTS!!" Mark yelled out as he awoke. Several people cocked their heads towards the man. Some coughed and snickered, others gave disgusted looks. "No!! Mark shush!!" Eddie quietly berated Mark.

"But I love nuts!! I love big nuts and i like small ones!!" Mark exclaimed happily. "Me too man!" snickered Hunter.

"Im sorry but you have to wait one minute for the snacks before we can serve you sir." said a flight attendant

"Dont mess with me woman!!" Mark jumps up (_his seat belt wasnt on yet_) and wraps his hand around her neck!. "WHOA!! Easy there Mark!" Eddie yelled. "Sir, I will have you escorted out of this aircraft!" Suddenly Eddie and Glen jump up and pull Taker away. "Im sorry Miss, he hasnt settled down he gets like this...phobia of heights heh.." the both of them explained quickly.

"No I DO NOT HAVE A FEAR- UMPH Eddie and Glen cover his mouth quickly and put him back in his seat

"Mark get a grip of yourself." Eddie sighed.

"No THE ONLY THING IM AFRAID OF IS LIGHTNING!!" Mark yelled.

"Mark, bullshit I've seen you practically dance in thunderstorms like it was metal music or somethin'" Kane said. "Stop this madness and sleep dammit!" Glen exasperated to Mark as he fastened his seatbelt on for him.

"Oh fine.." Mark sighed sadly as if he was being punished (_He was in a way lol_) _Why are they being so mean? I like bein this way yo! _Mark thought in his mind.

Eddie and Glen resume their seats for the, hopefully, last time before their arrival. Unfortunately that was not meant to be...

_**A/N**__**- Feedback would be helpful anyone. :) I want to know how good you guys think it is**_.


	3. What is up with him?

_'Goddammit can he stop playing with the tv!!'_ Maria complained. "Hey Mark, you think you could find a t.v channel already? Please, I cant stand all the loud noise right now.." Maria asked him. "No can do I don't like Spongebob Squared**k! "Oh, but all the random noises are vibrating my seat." Maria said.

"Oooh that sounds kinky Maria." Taker gave a sexy growl as he said this. "Want to see me later after we get off this plane?" he inquired. "Um Mark, YOUR MARRIED!" Maria exclaimed.

"What Sara doesnt know wont hurt her." Mark said simply and dumblike. "I love womens panties!!! I love to go Victoria's Secret and smell the smut that comes fresh in them!!!" Mark laughed like a horny teen. "Ugh your disgusting Mark." Stephanie said.

"Your the one who gives extra screentime to WHATS HIS NAME?...OH YEAH PAUL THE GREENWICH PRINCESS! Everybody has to do something for the princess!" Mark growled.

"Hey hey!! No one talks like that to the daughter of-" Paul started defended his wife.

"Vinny? OH HIM!!!" Mark laughed. "He cannot even swat a fly properly anymore!" Glen sighed. 'Oh boy, we are toast...' Glen gulped. 'If only he would just settle down.'

The plane hit turbulance and Mark got distracted with the window. Stephanie sighed in relief. Paul ordered some brew for his crew, and Glen and Eddie took well deserved snoozes. Mark was looking at the clouds counting them.

"One big cloud...two big clouds...this is the best flight ever!!" Mark counted out loud. Glen woke up disgruntled.

"Mark, if you don't shut the fuck up I swear I will toss you off this plane!!!" Glen cursed at his on screen brother. He mentally sighed 'Sometimes, I can't take his Party alter ego...so childish and funny but annoying!' He put his hand over his forehead. 'I'm going to get a migraine if I don't sleep well soon.'

Alittle while later............

'OH MANNNN I GOTTA TAKE THE MEANEST CRAP!!' cried Mark. He jumped out of his seat onto Zack Ryder and flung into the bathroom. "What the hell man? I do not take kindly to weirdos from the freaky Darkside jumping on me!!!" whined Ryder.

"Hey at least he did not crush your nuts Ryder." announced Adam Copeland.


	4. Mysterious Disappearance

_A/N: A word of note, I am doing this chapter because I have requests to do so. I'm currently focusing on a different story that I hope will be up soon. So for now, enjoy…_

_**Chapter 4: Mysterious Disappearance **_

The plane was slowly nearing Atlanta, Georgia and Mark was sleeping again because seriously, what's closer to death than sleeping? Glen was reading Faust for the second time and while debating in his head if he should thump the book over Mark's head. Clearly the man needed some good ol' therapy. When he turned to him, he noticed Eddie Fatu was missing.

"Uh, where is Eddie guys?" he whispered to Paul who sat in the row in front of them. Paul turned and raised one eyebrow.

"Don't you remember? Eddie passed away like last year…" Paul said as he looked sad for a moment. Kane looked baffled. '_Last year, he was just on this plane!_' '_Wait, what year is it?_'

Suddenly Mark grunted and sat up, looking confused as to where Eddie went. "Where is Eddie Fatu?" he questioned.

"He passed away; apparently we went through a time warp and now it's the year 2011" Kane methodically reasoned.

Mark leaped up and looked around. Surely enough, Zack Ryder, Maria, Adam, and Stephanie were gone. "Hold on…_no way_! I missed WrestleMania! MY BABY!" he clutched his head and whimpered.

"Mark, calm down…"

"NO! I know why, apparently we were stuck on this plane for three years because the writer doesn't care about us." Mark said turning to the camera. "Clearly, she doesn't appreciate the charming and charismatic Undertaker!"

"Now Mark whatever gave you that idea?" Glen smirked. "I think it's just because of life you know?"

"Psh, she couldn't make time for US? I wanna get offa this plane!" Mark yelled.

"Well Mark maybe if you say 'please' she will."

"Oh is this woman hot? If so I'd like to meet _her_!" interjected a winking Phil, CM Punk.

Mark looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Okay Punk, stay with Kelly Kelly or Kane-"

"What the fuck!"

Kane turned to the camera. "I believe this ends tonight's obligatory slash scene…"

_The P.A system sounds and announces; 'In a few minutes we shall arrive in Atlanta, Georgia. Please remain seated and fasten your seatbelts.'_

"WOOOOOOOOOO! ATLANTA!" shouted Mark as he sat down. "Omg, omg, omg, omg!" he squirmed in his seat like a child. Glen looked around the cabin with pleading eyes to help him babysit.

"Nu-uh" said Punk with a devilish grin plastered on his face. "I'm so better than _that_."

Glen sighed and shut his eyes. '_I think I preferred it when this wasn't updated…'_

"Time to count clouds, yay! Let's-AHHHH!" screamed Mark.

The old lady who Mark dumped flour at back at the airport was flying on a broom stick and cackling! "You think granny would let you get away with that? AHEEHEEHEE!"

_A/N: Remember, these characters/real people either own themselves or are owned by the WWE._


End file.
